On the Outside Looking In

There have been few times in my life in which I felt like I truly belonged. While I have always had groups of friends, I feel more like an outsider looking in on their lives, a visitor being allowed to take part. Sometimes I feel like a welcome visitor, sometimes merely tolerated, and others like I am an imposition. But very rarely like an integral part, like someone who matters if they are part of the group or not, someone who helps make it tick.

That is not to say I am not loved; I am very lucky to have some wonderful friends and family. We keep in touch and have some amazing times together, and I am so very appreciative of all they are to me and have done for me. And it’s also not to say I am not happy; I love myself and my life and experience a great deal of fun and joy. Yet I am still so often filled with loneliness… at least I enjoy the company now…

The feeling of not belonging is a sign that you are supposed to be somewhere else, doing something different. Let it push you. Let it shove you. Let it force you onto a new path.

The struggle that I am having lately is that I finally feel like I belong with myself – that is to say that I am the person I am supposed to be. And I guess I always have it in my head that when one thing falls together, the rest will fall together with it. So I thought when I found myself, it would just naturally follow that I would find people and a place where I feel like I belong too. That part hasn’t happened, though. Maybe it is part of why I feel so compelled to change my life and embark on a whole new journey. I guess I just need to be patient (not one of my virtues). Another thing to discover in this extraordinary life.

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